NFL Week 2 Status Meeting: A Master Course in Schadenfreude

Smokey Week two of the National Football League’s regular 2009-2010 season wraps up tonight with the Miami Dolphins’ home opener against Pey Pey and the Colts. Regardless of what ESPN would have you believe with their constant barrage of advertising, I don’t much care about tonight’s game. My Monday morning status report shows I’m about to go 5-0 in my fantasy leagues, so little means much to me today, including the Panthers’ loss to the division rival Atlanta Falcons yesterday.

Why am I so carefree you ask? Simple: because all those Philly assholes that took so much pleasure in mocking me last weekend had their uppance come yesterday. Despite also belonging to the NFC South, I cheered on the New Orleans Saints like I was some Hurricane-infused floozy. Drew Brees’s systematic dismantling of a strong (albeit Kolb-led) Eagles squad brought joy to my Sunday, and that makes it all A-OK in my book.

Thoughts from around the league, after the jump.

Smokey cont’d: With just two weekends in the books, the NFL is busy separating the wheat from the chaff. There are handful of decidedly stellar teams in both conferences, with the AFC looking slightly stronger than the NFC. For my money, I haven’t seen a team as complete as the Saints, whom I predict will see playing time in February despite some holes in their defense.

On the AFC side of things, the Pats proved mortal, and the biggest story the mainstream media is ignoring is Brady tangible fear in the pocket. A week’s worth of guarantees that the Jets were aiming for Brady visibly shook him, as his feet have become quite happy as 300-pound goliaths wiggle and squirm in their attempts to dislocate parts of his body from other parts.

After the good teams, there’s a sea of mediocrity and a smattering of pitiful souls. Alas, the bottom-dwellers have their own prize to gun for. Not unlike the Reggie Bush Sweepstakes of the mid-aughts, this year’s also-rans probably all have Tim Tebow, save for the Detroit Lions who, it should be noted, graciously gave Matt Stafford his first career TD throw this past weekend. Irregardless of these lovable losers, the NFL has provided me with two solid weeks of entertainment and I anxiously look forward to next week’s split, especially that Monday night game.

Mickey: Week Two was indeed a stellar weekend of football — and I say that because I can actually remember this Sunday. I have had my expectations humbly lowered by an 0-2 start for the Carolina Panthers, and thus there was no need for excessive shots and beer drinking this Sunday. A valiant effort was laid forth in the Georgia Dome for the Cats — against a quarterback Joey tried to tell me was a “top 4″ QB in Matty Ice (Joey’s football knowledge is adorable) — and it was a bit of a sigh of relief to see Jake Delhomme not shit the bed for the third straight game. He was actually pretty confident and solid, but our defense couldn’t stop the Falcons for shit on 3rd down and got no pressure on the QB. The D-Line blamed it on Ryan’s quick release; I think John Fox continued to have absurd faith that a four-man rush can get the job done.

And now our defensive tackles are even more weakened, and we head to Jerry’s Wild Ranch to face an angry 1-1 Cowgirls team. It should at least prove to be an excuse to get wasted on a Monday night.

As for the rest of the league, the old “patented Brethren bullet points” will take it away:

- Ok, I’ll say it: Falcons owner Arthur Blank looks like a guy who made all his money by making financial deals with the Nazis during the Holocaust. Or at least like a bad villain in a movie about guys who made money off the Holocaust. Either way, he’s creepy and sinister and fuck the Falcons.

- Fuck the Green Bay Packers. They knocked out ten entries in my Survival Pool by losing to the “Who Dey” Bengals, including yours truly. Child please. Good thing I have at least $110 worth of fantasy gambles out there and none of my team’s are doing well. Sweet.

- I admit I was a bit skeptical of Rex Ryan’s hire for the Jets. I didn’t think he could turn anything meaningful around with that organization. But that was before I knew he was a huge, confidence-instilling asshole. I truly enjoyed watching the Jets and Mark the Dirty Sanchez knocking the crap out of the Patriots. That was truly lovely.

- I love watching the Eagles lose in an Eagles bar. There’s really nothing better.

- Not NFL-related, but: this Saturday marked the third straight year my buddies Sammy and Rob came to an NYC Florida Gators bar with me for the Florida-Tennessee game. The past two years, the Gators unexpectedly blew out the Vols and the crowds at the bar were phenomenal: bartenders were giving out free shots, Gators cheers were constant and crazy loud, and pure ecstasy was the name of the game. This year was a little more subdued because of the 30-point spread, but the game itself proved pretty competitive and the crowds did not disappoint. We were sat next to some hilarious strangers who were Gators fans and we participated in a good old-fashion marathon drinking day. As always, it was a pleasure to share in watching a Gators-Vols game in New York with two Villanova grads who can just appreciate the ridiculousness of Gators fans.

- Oh yea, by ridiculousness of Gators fans, let me please remind you of Cap’n Pappy and his pappy, Grandpappy Cloud. They went to the game on Saturday in Gainesville, and they drove to the game in this car:

Well, it was an amazing weekend all around. I’ve tempered my ideas of how good the Panthers can be, and just hope for some Sundays where I can drink for fun and not to numb the pain.