NFL Oh-Nine Previews: NFC North

Back when Smokey and I were doing our own thang at the Sports Brethren, we would double-team a weekly post about every Carolina Panthers game. We might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but we always brung the heat and the passion in our weekly chronicles of the NFL’s greatest team. Here at the Cube, we’re hoping to bring that same noise and funk on the NFL as a whole, in our true double-team style.

With that in mind, holyfuckingshit football’s a’comin! We are but a scant 6ish days from the first NFL Sunday, which means it’s high time we stop pandering on about baseball and fanciful things and get down to business.

Thus we present the Cube’s NFL Oh-Nine Previews: NFC North

Mickey: The NFC North, the oldest division in the NFL, it’s now famous for its collection of young shit-brick quarterbacks and the oldest, biggest shit-brick of them all. That’s not to say the NFC North won’t be entertaining this year — their quarterbacks will be some of the biggest storylines of the year — which is both strange and frightening.

I will admit quarterback play is why I like the Green Bay Packers to win this division. They’re the one team who seems to have a semblance of an idea of how to develop a QB. And I used to heavily dislike Aaron Rodgers; I don’t respect the college system he came out of (Tedford from Cal-Berkeley can suck a dick), and I laughed at his “drop” in the NFL Draft. But from everything I’ve read (which is not much), and mostly from his production as my QB in fantasy football last year, I have come to like and respect Rodgers. I like his receivers, and though I can’t name his running back and really only know AJ Hawk and Charles Woodson on their defense, I’m putting my faith in Rodgers to win this division.

After the Packers, though I have learned to hate Brett Firve for his off-season drama and his decline in skills as a quarterback, I know enough to respect Purple Jesus, which is why I’m liking the Vikings as the next best team in the NFC North. I can add nothing original to the Favre saga, so I’ll skip that. The Vikes were one of the four teams to beat the Panthers in the regular season last year, and as their scary white defensive end Jared Allen made life miserable for the Defender of the Fresh Biscuit, le Purple Jesus wore down our defense in the second half. It was a thorough beating, and left me impressed, even if Gus Ferotte was their quarterback that day. I will admit Old Man Jeans is an upgrade over ole’ Gus, but I see his Wranglership tossing this team’s chances down the drains. Oh, but I love Percy Harvin — as a Gators fan, I have known his badassness for a while, and I see him producing awesomely in the NFL.

Next up is Cutlerfucker and the Bears. I was recently asked who I would root for if the Carolina Panthers didn’t exist; I had never pondered the question before and was truly stumped. I eventually answered the Bears because my sister lives in Chicago in an awesome penthouse apartment, they have badass helmets/uniforms, and I enjoy drinking/watching football with my buddy Dan who is a die-hard Bears fan. Despite this whimsical fantasy, I don’t think this team is a playoff team: I don’t trust any of the receivers Mr. Grumpy Pants has to throw to (ESPN The Mag actually used that nickname for a headline of an article about Cutler, which I found enjoyable) and I am personally insulted people think Matt Forte is a better fantasy option at running back than DeAngelo Williams. That’s bullshit.

And of course, in last place is the Detroit Lions, who have anointed Matthew Stafford as their QB savior. I never thought he was worth his shit at Georgia, and I am generally perplexed as to why people think he has the intangibles outside of physical skills to be an elite NFL quarterback. I do love Megatron, as any appreciative football fan should. And finally, I watch the NFL every week here in NYC with a Lions fan (Dan’s twin brother Kent — they grew up in Michigan, exactly in between Detroit and Chicago and chose to go in different directions with the fandom. I kinda respect that; it just sucks for Kent he chose the Lions at such a young age). I have to admit — watching an entire NFL season with a guy who is willingly a fan of a team who could go 0-16 was high, high entertainment.

Smokey:: I share an office with a fan of the Lions and I’m playing him this week in fantasy football. The Lions fans know a kind of sadness that no one else in the league has felt, and for that I respect them, whilst mocking them. I believe I made it through all my fantasy drafts this year without picking Calvin Johnson, which is a remarkable in and of itself. I will cheer my head off the first game they win, then go back to my drinking.

The rest of the NFC North is required to send their division winner to the post-season, and your guess is as good as mine as to whom that will be. The Packers, the Bears, and the Vikes could all be that team, but I’m confident whomever it is, they will lose in the first round of the playoffs. All three teams have something good going for them (Purple Jesus, Rodgers, and Cutler) but their cons far outweigh the rest of their pros. Look for the NFC North to make the yammering yammies of “Around the Horn” fodderrific for the season, which is fine by me. As long as their spending time talking about what will ultimately be an irrelevant team, they won’t be talking about the Panthers.

Oh, and one last thing: His Wranglership is an outstanding nickname for Brit Frv.

Gratuitous Cap’n Pappy quote (Growing up, our pappy, “Cap’n Pappy,” had many a’sayings that we didn’t exactly reckon we knew what they meant, but had a vague idea. In his honor, we’ll assign a quote for how we think he’d describe each division): The NFC North gets a “a bunch of hyenas, the lot of ye” because these boisterous quarterbacks have drawn a lot of media hype to their teams, and I’m not sold it’s because they’ve made their teams better.