NFL Oh-Nine Previews: AFC East

Back when Smokey and I were doing our own thang at the Sports Brethren, we would double-team a weekly post about every Carolina Panthers game. We might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but we always brung the heat and the passion in our weekly chronicles of the NFL’s greatest team. Here at the Cube, we’re hoping to bring that same noise and funk on the NFL as a whole, in our true double-team style.

With that in mind, holyfuckingshit football’s a’comin! We are but a scant 32ish days from NFL kick-off, which means it’s high time we stop pandering on about baseball and fanciful things and get down to business.

Thus we present the Cube’s NFL Oh-Nine Previews: AFC East

What a "guh" bunch of teams

Mickey: The AFC East is one of the divisions the Panthers play each team in during the 2009 season, so it’s a particularly important division for the Cube. A division that generally annoys me, mainly because of Dreamboat and his cheatin’ Pats, the ‘09 version doesn’t give me much reason to like it. They’ll be talented teams, for sure, but I can’t think of any reason to root for any of these four teams.

At gunpoint, I’d say I enjoy the Dolphinines the most. I respect the Big Tuna, and their 2008 turnaround from 1-15 to playoff team reminded me of John Fox’s first season with the Panthers. They brought the Wildcat formation back en vogue last year, which was entertaining, if not in a “oh dahling, isn’t that wonderful” sort of cute way. And Sparano seems to know his shit, which demands respect, but I just can’t see them putting together back-to-back winning seasons. Pencil them in as the #2 team in the AFC East.

Which leads me to Dreamboat and his cheaters as the AFC East winners: the defense might be aging, Belifuck may still be the most obnoxious guy around, and I would love nothing more than to be wrong, but dammit: they’re gonna win this sorry division.

I don’t see TO doing anything for the Bills or for VH1, and Brett Favre wasn’t the Jets’ only problem last year. Rex Ryan is a large man, and had great defenses in Baltimore, but those changes aren’t enough to make me think of the Jets as a serious contender.

Smokey: The AFC North, home of tyrannical egos, coaches, and Turtle’s best friend. Out of the 800+ people that Facebook considers my friends, the only team that has more than one fan is the Buffalo Bills. I’m contractually obligated to not hate the Bills because my girlfriend’s a fan. There’s a palpable sadness in the eyes of Bills fans, but this makes them heavier drinkers, and that’s all sorts of in my wheelhouse. Building upon the TO acquisition, I say go big or go home and try to sign Michael Vick. What have you got to lose?

Representing Team Cuba, my buddy Davîd Canseco is the lone Dolphins fan and I couldn’t ask for a better emissary. His unabashed love of the Phins is inspiring; he’s certain Pat White + Wildcat = Super Bowl. He also gleefully reports that players are voluntarily leaving Miami’s training camp because Sparano’s such a badass. The coach, and the Tuna, and the Wildcat, and Dave’s love all tell me that the Dolphins might not win the AFC East but look for them in the post-season.

There are two girls in “Head at you Feet”, the fantasy football league Mickey and I participate in. One’s a Patriots fan who reflects her team perfectly: she’s brash, she’s annoying, and she’s won the league the past two years. We’re pretty certain cheating is involved because, y’know, a girl won a fantasy league. Expect New England to win a lot of games and most likely break my heart in Week 14. The other girl is a Jets fan, she makes befuddling roster moves in the vain hope of a successful fluke. Essentially, she’s a microcosm for the Jets and both will end up with ultimately disappointing seasons.

That’s it for this week’s preview. In other news, I’ve become a wandering troubadour and am in the middle of an 18,000 mile August. I feel like there’s a lot of good writing that’ll eventually come out of this journey….eventually. Anyway, I’m hitting the road tomorrow, headed to Chicago on a long solo road trip. That should give me plenty of time to think about writing thoughts.

Update: ESPN’s Darren Woodson just said the best fit for Vick is in Carolina. I’m gonna have to think about this one for a while…