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National Football Association — World Cup Rosters

The post from a couple days ago details in astonishingly boring detail the guidelines & methodology for this project. This is the fun bit…


World Cup Squads



46. US 2014

47. US 2010



National Football Association — Club Rosters

The post from a couple days ago details in astonishingly boring detail the guidelines & methodology for this project. This is the fun bit…


Club Squads


3. Conferences


4. Arizona


5. Atlanta



6. Boston (more…)

National Football Association — Guidelines & Methodology


This is an exercise to show what a professional U.S. league would look like if the only sport we played was European football(1) which were going to call the National Football Association (“NFA”). We’ll also be showing the U.S. World Cup rosters since 1982. The exercise starts with an understanding of what makes a good European footballer. Obviously speed, quickness, vision, marking and scoring ability exist in U.S. sports, but certainly not all useful U.S. traits are helpful on the pitch. We’ll get into that in (pretty boring) detail


Next question is how good they’d all be. Two pretty obvious factors suggest we’d be pretty damn good: wealth and population. As the richest and 3rd largest country, the sheer volume of dudes and cash we’d throw at the sport would be…I dunno, unnerving? DYK that the US’ GDP is 97% of that of the entire EU?! I didn’t until 6 seconds ago when I googled it


The following pages are in 4 sections: (i) guidelines/methodology (ii) club rosters (iii) National Team rosters (iv) player/team lists. Lesssgo!


Heellllloooooo? Anybody Home?

Whoa, what happened.  We turned into that creepy house on the corner in your neighborhood growing up that your mom told you to avoid.  “Why, Mom?” you might ask.  Well, there’s the massive infiltration of spam comments.  We’ve had everybody from professional term paper writers to adult service providers to private investigators dropping a line on CubicleGM.  That wasn’t really our “target audience.”  Time to pull out the old weed whacker.

Let’s start with an explanation.  Those of you who used to read this website know that we tried our best to be at least mildly entertaining.  Then a few things happened.  The snowball started when we lost two great writers to ESPN and The Washington Post.  It was literally part of their contracts that they could not write for us.  So that was a blow.

Then I started graduate school, Mickey switched jobs, Gideon got too important, and who knows what Smokey decided to do with his life.  And as a result, we have not posted a single thought in nearly a year, all the while adding advertisements for sports merchandise and gambling and all sorts of garbage.  I’m sorry for that.  For those 50 or so people who still come to this website every day, minus the 47 who are spammers, I apologize for our disappearance.

That said, I’m exploring a site relaunch.  I will be posting periodically, if you are interested.  But more importantly, if you want to write, and work for such a previously-esteemed blog as this one, send me an email (cubiclegm [@] cubiclegm [.] com).  I can promise you complete freedom in what you want to write, as long as you appeal to the 20- or 30-something crowd that remains stuck in a cubicle somewhere.  Happy also to share any advertising revenue with you.  Who knows.  We have a track record as a platform for aspiring journalists as well as bums living in New York and L.A.  One of these paths could be yours.

Otherwise, stay tuned.  After about two emails requesting that we start again, I am entertaining the possibility.

I Found My New Job…

Good to see everyone again. As the resident NFL and MLB guy at the Cube, the time between the Super Bowl and baseball season provided a nice break for me. But pitchers and catchers have reported, spring training games are right around the corner, so it’s time for me to get back to work.

What’s my first order of business? Well, before the Cubicle GM division-by-division previews start, I’m going to try and become a millionaire. By playing a video game.

$1M to play a video game? Done.

The 2K Sports Major League Baseball® 2K10 Million Dollar Perfect Game Challenge is giving one million dollars to the first gamer who can, well, you guessed it, throw a perfect game.  Shouldn’t be too hard,  just trot out Tim Lincecum or Roy Halladay against the Nationals (or Mets depending on your outlook for ’10) and don’t allow any opponents to reach base.  Simple right?  It is until you read the fine print. (more…)

And They’re Off!

catz n dogz livin' 2gethurr

For all the awesome product the NBA has churned out over the past two years, one of the larger gripes has been the lack of blockbuster trades. Bill Simmons rewarded himself a cookie when he deemed the league the No Balls Association vis a vis these lack of trades. Also, because he was a bit peckish. Alas, with the looming specter of the 2010 Off Season cresting the horizon, many teams found themselves shuffling players like cards as the trade deadline came and went on Thursday. While the biggest name involved was an aging former All Star, significant moves were made all around the league. Most of them were financial strategies meant to prepare for the Off Season but a few will have immediate effects on teams vying for the playoffs. Let’s break those down, shall we?

In the end, no one made more moves than the Knicks. The boys from Manhattan made a series of salary dumps that should net them about $32 million in cap space after the season. They gained Tracy McGrady which would’ve been much bigger news had McGrady done anything of significance ever in his career. They also traded Darko Milic, ensuring there’ll be six more weeks of winter. All in all, the Knicks spent the day sending coded messages to Dwyane Wade & Chris Bosh in the event they don’t land LeBron. (more…)

Things That I Give Canada Credit For…

The Don

The (Other) Donald

I started watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics (yes, it’s Friday…  and I’m sitting here) and watched in wonderment as one, after another, after another b-list celebrities were revealed to me as native Canadians.  We all knew Barenaked Ladies.  Maybe a few knew Bryan/Ryan Adams.  But Nelly Furtado?  Sarah McLaughlin?  Some kid from the circus school?  That mean old guy Donald Sutherland?  Wow.  I mean the show was a little out there for me, but nonetheless.

Needless to say, this prompted a bit more research.  As a result, I am heretofore willing to admit that many of my perceptions on Canada were wildly incorrect.  Sure, I knew that people were only Canadian when it was convenient (e.g. during Winter Olympics, see above).  I knew that whole “aboot” thing, I’ve been to Montreal once, I understand the whole joke-on-the-world-stage reputation, these Ceremonies aside.  But I had no idea the litany of Canadian accomplishments.

Without further adieu, with further research, my list of Things That I Give Canada Credit For: (more…)

Weak Side Late Assignment: The Rest of You Are Fools

Whoa, CubicleGM still exists.  I almost forgot.  Hopefully you haven’t gone too far.  Like Gideon, I returned from the halfway glorious, halfway downright out-of-control city of New Orleans yesterday after about seven separate flight cancellations on U.S. Airways, my new favorite for least favorite company in America.  The interesting part is that we didn’t intend to spend the Super Bowl in NOLA – after long debate, far before we knew who would be playing, we decided (10ish of us) to get back to our respective cities early Sunday, before the game.

So There We Were - (Gun) Shots Flying

Snowmaggeddon I changed all of that.  For the better, ultimately.  We learned early Sunday that our flight was canceled, changed it to early Monday, headed to the French Quarter, learned that Monday’s flight was canceled, changed it to Monday afternoon, almost got hit with a Molotov cocktail, learned that Monday afternoon’s flight was canceled, switched it to Tuesday, then eventually flew standby on a Tuesday flight at 6am.

With the Tuesday flight, we successfully threaded the needle before Snowmaggeddon II, currently in progress.

First, completely agree with Gideon’s assessment on history/culture/absurdity combo versus strip mall/absurdity combo in New Orleans versus Las Vegas.  I happened to be in Vegas during the weekend prior to the Super Bowl.  I’ll take it one step further, though.

Vegas is amateur hour – it’s like the New Year’s Eve of cities.  Take a ton of people who don’t have more than a drink or two on any night of the year, and give them a limitless bottle of fake Grey Goose and several dozen checks written to themselves that may or may not bounce long after the cash is handed over.  In the morning, if you’re up, the whole city has the shakes.

New Orleans, comparatively, is the random Tuesday night (check that, afternoon) with a six-pack of cities.  People literally are dressed in suits, drinking at lunch.  I witnessed it.  These people are professionals.  I mean, you walk down the street on say, a Saturday afternoon, and dozens of people aren’t even giving the courtesy of a paper bag.  They don’t have to: each one and his or her matching Huge Ass Beer cup can be (and are) swaying in the clear of day, after day, after day… (more…)

The Superbowl From the French Quarter

By some miraculous turn of events a few CubicleGMers ended up watching the Superbowl from the French Quarter (ya know, in New Orleans).  To give shout-outs where shout-outs are due, it all started when a good friend of the Cubicles, we call him E, and his significant other, we call her V, moved down there several months back.  Their trials and tribulations have been thoroughly (sparsely?) documented.  Combine that with a few yuppies trying to meet up with old (young?) college friends, mix in a major winter storm in the mid-Atlantic and you have all the makings of canceled flights, dirty laundry being, and seeing the Saints win the Superbowl from inside the most fun quarter mile to be found in the US, and possibly anywhere. (more…)

My 1995 – 1996 NBA Squad Game

One of the motivations to create CubicleGM was the frequency of sports related emails that arrived and left my inbox on a weekly basis.  Everything from the ‘Have you seen this story yet?’ to ‘How many of the ’96 Seattle Mariners can you name?’.  The first still come through the inbox, while the second are often sent as links that to the amazingness that is  A great one came from one-time CubicleGM writer Kevin.  You are creating a team for the ’95-’96 NBA season – who is on the squad?  The rules:

1. No more than 2 of the periods greats on the team.  Jordan, Shaq, Malone, Pippen, and Stockton isn’t a legit squad.

2.  At least 10 dudes on the squad, who together averaged no more than 110 points during the season.

3.  Make the youngsters relatively real.  Kobe, Garnett, Rasheed Wallace, and Antonio McDyess cant all be on your squad.

[We pause a moment to note our sponsors:  Start making more money by using point spread.]

Quickly spinning around the league in 10-15 minutes here is what I came up with.  Unabashedly, I love my squad.  I wish they could have played together and it isn’t even an unfathomable team.  They probably wouldn’t have toppled Jordan and his crew, but they would have been a good team and REAL fun to watch.

Coach: George Karl


F: Dennis Rodman

F: Sean Kemp

F: Penny Hardaway

G: Jeff Hornacek

G: Mookie Blalock